Department Meetings and How to Run Them

Running Department meetings can fill you with dread and foreboding, so have a thought as to how the staff are feeling.  As a keen manager I always start the meeting with the best of intentions.  But, more often than not, it ends in a depressing dirge of corporate feedback and disinterest.  Below are the notes from a recent staff meeting.

Apologies
Big Boss was pleased to see there were no apologies for the meeting, which showed how seriously the Department was taking the new corporate "participation process".  In reality there were no apologies as no-one wanted to receive the "where were you?" email and the invite from Big Boss for a quick "chat" about commitment and being part of the team.

Corporate Headlines
Big Boss gave detailed feedback on the corporate performance indicators and Y.A.W.N (Yearly Actual Wealth Numbers).  Most of The Staff really wanted to know if the Marketing and Finance Directors did actually have a punch up at the last Executive Team Building Awayday.  The rumour was the Marketing Director ended up being "consoled" by the Chief Execs Personal Assistant.

Progress Updates

Big Boss used the smile he learnt on the "Getting Staff to Like You" course and assiduously gazed at everyone in the room to make them all feel included.  Everyone was holding on to their entry in the "who gets asked first" sweepstake, whilst staring at the table.  For the fourth time running the winner is Jason, the management trainee.  He has prepared a multi-coloured pack showing how much cleverer he is than everyone else.  Big Boss smiles throughout the presentation.
Not being as clever as Jason the rest of the reports are short and vague - Big Boss is not smiling by the end of the progress updates.

Get To Know Your Fellow Team Members
As part of the corporate "participation process" Big Boss has decided that each section of the Department should present to the rest of the group on who they are and what they do.  The IT section were up next.  Big Boss gave a lengthy introduction about how important good IT support is for the organisation.  Carl asked why, if IT was so important, that the network was always slow and the laptops had not been replaced for 5 years.  Big Boss put on his "oh its you" smile and dismissed the query with talk of capex, amortisation and projected infrastructure rollout trajectories.  Carl smiled, that got him a full house in the Bulls**t Bingo game.

Any Other Business
Big Boss persisted with the "participation process" by opening up discussion to the rest of the Department.  By this time any latent interest has dissipated and the staff just wanted to leave the room before their brains started to bleed.  Big Boss is left wondering what was wrong with the staff, but at least Jason understood his jokes.

Time and Date of Next Meeting
Time - when you have engaged with staff so they want to speak.
Date - when the staff have things they need to share.

Performance Management How It Works

There has been much talk recently about the relative merits of the private sector or public bodies providing care to vulnerable people in the UK. The recent examples of poor care in both types of organisation seem puzzling, until you realise that the mechanism used to judge good performance is the same in whatever form of organisation you work in - and here is how it works:

The People “up above” set targets based on a pledge, promise or a need to make money.

The Targets are shared throughout the organisation 

The Managers are made responsible for delivering The Targets.

The Managers tell The Staff how important it is that The Targets are delivered. This is usually in terms of how important they are to patient care/government policy/the company’s future/the year end bonus

The Staff tend to think that they have forgotten more about patient care than the manager will ever know/why do I care about government policy I didn’t vote for them anyway/our small care home won’t break the large PLC we work for/I don’t get much of a bonus anyway. 

The Staff tell the Managers what the problems will be in delivering The Targets.

The Managers patiently explain that The Targets are a Must Do.

The Staff know this means The Managers nether regions will be squeezed if they say The Targets are a problem.  The Staff shrug, no point arguing as The Managers don’t have the power to change The Targets anyway. 

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