Department Meetings and How to Run Them

Running Department meetings can fill you with dread and foreboding, so have a thought as to how the staff are feeling.  As a keen manager I always start the meeting with the best of intentions.  But, more often than not, it ends in a depressing dirge of corporate feedback and disinterest.  Below are the notes from a recent staff meeting.

Apologies
Big Boss was pleased to see there were no apologies for the meeting, which showed how seriously the Department was taking the new corporate "participation process".  In reality there were no apologies as no-one wanted to receive the "where were you?" email and the invite from Big Boss for a quick "chat" about commitment and being part of the team.

Corporate Headlines
Big Boss gave detailed feedback on the corporate performance indicators and Y.A.W.N (Yearly Actual Wealth Numbers).  Most of The Staff really wanted to know if the Marketing and Finance Directors did actually have a punch up at the last Executive Team Building Awayday.  The rumour was the Marketing Director ended up being "consoled" by the Chief Execs Personal Assistant.

Progress Updates

Big Boss used the smile he learnt on the "Getting Staff to Like You" course and assiduously gazed at everyone in the room to make them all feel included.  Everyone was holding on to their entry in the "who gets asked first" sweepstake, whilst staring at the table.  For the fourth time running the winner is Jason, the management trainee.  He has prepared a multi-coloured pack showing how much cleverer he is than everyone else.  Big Boss smiles throughout the presentation.
Not being as clever as Jason the rest of the reports are short and vague - Big Boss is not smiling by the end of the progress updates.

Get To Know Your Fellow Team Members
As part of the corporate "participation process" Big Boss has decided that each section of the Department should present to the rest of the group on who they are and what they do.  The IT section were up next.  Big Boss gave a lengthy introduction about how important good IT support is for the organisation.  Carl asked why, if IT was so important, that the network was always slow and the laptops had not been replaced for 5 years.  Big Boss put on his "oh its you" smile and dismissed the query with talk of capex, amortisation and projected infrastructure rollout trajectories.  Carl smiled, that got him a full house in the Bulls**t Bingo game.

Any Other Business
Big Boss persisted with the "participation process" by opening up discussion to the rest of the Department.  By this time any latent interest has dissipated and the staff just wanted to leave the room before their brains started to bleed.  Big Boss is left wondering what was wrong with the staff, but at least Jason understood his jokes.

Time and Date of Next Meeting
Time - when you have engaged with staff so they want to speak.
Date - when the staff have things they need to share.